Funnies...from Patriot Post

[SpongeBob]

06 FEB -

No DL

Jay Leno: How about those commercials during the Super Bowl? There was one called ‘My Talking Stain’ Sounds like Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare. ... Action stars are endorsing candidates. Mike Huckabee has Chuck Norris; Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone came out for John McCain; and today, Clinton picked up Janet Reno. ... You know what’s amazing about Los Angeles? This city never fails to amaze me. Last week, Governor Schwarzenegger was in town. All the Republican candidates were here. All the Democratic candidates were here. All with secret service protection. And all put together, they still had less of a motorcade than Britney Spears going to the hospital. ... John Edwards said that even though he is out of the presidential race, he still cares for the little people, and to prove it, he had lunch with Dennis Kucinich. ... If [John McCain] wins, he would be the oldest president ever to take office. But the good news, at 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One.

[SpongeBob]

13 FEB -
David Letterman: From “Top Ten Reasons Mitt Romney Dropped Out Of The Presidential Race”: Harsh Midwest weather was murder on his split ends; Wants to devote more time to rap persona P. Mitty; Polls show public doesn’t want a president who looks like a casino greeter; Just couldn’t compete with the Ron Paul juggernaut; Unveiling a new line of honey-roasted Romnuts; Apparently America is not ready for a white male president; Lost all of his money betting on the Patriots.

From “Top Ten Signs John McCain Is Getting Too Cocky”: Canceled tomorrow’s campaign appearances so he doesn’t miss “Lost”; Spent the afternoon roughing up Romney supporters; He blew half campaign war chest playing Internet poker; Already working on his 2012 re-election strategy; Plans to campaign for the next three days in “Vodkachusetts”; Has started yelling, “Bingo!” when he doesn’t even have bingo.


Jay Leno: Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel. That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God? ... John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain’s lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky—six months ago, that was his campaign war chest. ... Hillary Clinton also carries around a lucky nickel. Not for superstitious reasons—she just flips it when she needs a position on Iraq. ... Newsweek estimates that Bill Clinton made between $10 and $15 million last year for speaking engagements. That explains why Hillary never speaks to him anymore—she can’t afford it. ... Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful. ... They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. Well, 38 percent thought it helped; 36 percent thought it hurt. Then 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!”

[SpongeBob]

20 FEB -

David Letterman: From “Top Ten Reasons Fidel Castro Is Retiring”: He has accepted the role of Dr. Ramon Vazquez on “General Hospital”; Achieved his goal of getting Cuba’s unemployment rate under 83%; Wants to spend more time interrogating his family; Just got Season One of “Gilmore Girls”; Caught injecting human growth hormone into his wife, Debbie Castro; Too many tacos; He was adopted by Angelina Jolie; Always promised himself he’d quit torturing when it stopped being fun.

Jay Leno: Hillary Clinton is on the campaign trail. She’s been speaking about Black History Month. She’s been saying that America has come so far that a black man could one day grow up and possibly be vice president. ... This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day. Turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama. ... Hillary has lost the last [ten] primaries in a row. So any crying you see from now on is going to be real. ... Things aren’t looking good for Hillary. Like a lot of women in Washington, I think she’s just starting to realize she may have slept with Bill Clinton for nothing. ... Barack Obama now is considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her. ... The Pentagon is now planning to shoot down a broken satellite that’s falling to Earth. The satellite is the size of a school bus, and they want to blow it up before it hits us. Yeah. In fact the actual plan, they’re going to have Roger Clemens throw a second school bus at it.

[SpongeBob]

27 FEB -
David Letterman: From “Top Ten Ralph Nader Campaign Promises”: Fund universal healthcare by making Wesley Snipes pay his taxes; Give the presidency a rumpled, Walter Matthau quality; The freezing over of Hell should solve our global warming crisis; Can fill out a pantsuit better than Hillary; Will hover in polls between one percent and “Statistically Insignificant.

Jay Leno: In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn’t know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader’s campaign slogan—”It’s me again.“ ... What do you call somebody at a Ralph Nader campaign rally? Ralph Nader. He’s the only one there. ... He’s gonna be 74 next week. In fact, the good news: If Ralph gets sick, his younger brother, Raul Nader, will then take over. ... Well, you know who’s thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He’s not the oldest guy anymore. ... Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers... The New York Times alleged that John McCain had an inappropriate relationship with a young female lobbyist. I haven’t seen McCain this angry since ”Matlock“ was canceled. ... A lot of people are questioning the source of this story. See, it’s never good when an article begins, ”Dude, guess what I heard.“

[SpongeBob]

12 MAR-

No DL

Jay Leno: New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has admitted that he has been involved in a prostitution ring. This is the same man who when he was attorney general went after the prostitution rings. So apparently for not giving him good service. ... [This] means Hillary Clinton [is] now only the second angriest wife in the state of New York. ... Neither Barack nor Hillary can win the nomination outright. You know, because it’s so close. So Hillary’s kind of caught between Barack and a hard place. ... Technically, neither of them can win. It shows you how bad it’s gotten for the Democrats. Forget winning the general election, they can’t even win their own election. ... You know, there’s talk in some Democratic circles of letting the states of Michigan and Florida re-vote. Today, Al Gore said, “Oh, now you think of this! Great!” ... They’re talking about a re-vote primary where people would mail in their ballots. That’s a great idea, combine the reliability of the people in Florida who count the ballots with the efficiency of the Post Office. What could go wrong there?

[SpongeBob]

19 MAR-

David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Least Popular Dr. Seuss Books”: Green Eggs And E. Coli; Osama’s In Pajamas; How The Grinch Stole His Sports Memorabilia Back At Gunpoint; One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State; The Cat In The Hat That Fell In The Applebee’s Deep Fryer; Oh The Places You Won’t Go Because Of Tougher Immigration Laws.

Jay Leno: Why does everybody dye food green [on St. Patrick’s Day]? Green doughnuts, green cookies, green bagels... We won’t eat any real food that’s green—spinach, broccoli, lettuce—but dye a Cinnabon green. ... With all the bad news about the economy, John McCain started distancing himself from President Bush. In fact, McCain was running so fast from President Bush, he ran into Barack Obama, who was running from his minister, and Hillary, who was running from Geraldine Ferraro. And they all just collided. ... As you may know, Geraldine Ferraro quit the Clinton campaign after all the controversy over her remark suggesting that Barack Obama wouldn’t be where he is today if he weren’t black. Now, here’s the question—do you think people are more popular because they’re black? Think about this. I mean, look at Michael Jackson. Remember how popular he was when he was black? He was the biggest star in the world. The day he turned white, nothing! ... The governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer... was caught on a federal wiretap making arrangements to meet with this prostitute [and resigned]. On CNN, they brought out the publisher of Hustler magazine, Larry Flynt to talk about Eliot Spitzer’s future. Let me tell you something. If they bring Larry Flynt to talk about your future, you have no future!

[SpongeBob]

26 MAR -

David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying on You”: You turn on television and see a live feed of your shower; While you’re ordering pizza, mysterious voice on the phone tells you to forget the mushrooms; There’s been an ice cream truck parked outside your house for nine months; Your dog has an antenna; You came home early and found an agent dusting your wife for prints; Your cat has an antenna; Drudge Report features exclusive news about your breakfast; During State of the Union, President suggests you to ask your doctor about Levitra.

Jay Leno: Hey, anybody see the new $5 bill that just came out? The Treasury has taken steps to discourage counterfeiters, such as making it worth less than a dollar. ... According to the latest polls, John McCain now in a double-digit lead over the Democrats. To give you an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency. ... According to a new CNN poll, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here’s the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot. ... In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out, they got a hold of John McCain’s Social Security number. You know what it is? Three. ... Osama bin Laden has released another anti-American speech. And out of force of habit, Barack Obama denounced the remarks and said he wasn’t even in the room at the time the statements were being made. ... Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our guest tonight, but she got pinned down by sniper fire. Who would have guessed Hillary would have more war stories than John McCain? ... Hillary’s campaign is claiming she misspoke when she said she landed under gunfire during her trip to Bosnia. Turns out it was gunfire on a trip to L.A. ... She now admits there weren’t any snipers. And today Bill Clinton said, “Hey, if I would have known there weren’t any snipers, I would not have sent her there in the first place.”

[SpongeBob]

02 APR -
David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Contest” on “Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways to Boost the Economy”: Rummage through rich folks’ trash to see if they’ve tossed any cash—Fresno, CA; Release that “Titanic” movie again—East Greenbush, NY; Each person collects $200 when they pass “Go”—Arcola, IL; Reduce America’s oil dependency by inventing nacho cheese-powered car—Orlando, FL; Two words: bake sale—Chatsworth, CA; Just turn the graphs upside down—Pound Ridge, NY; Give tax refunds in Cheetos (I’m not sure how that would help the economy, but boy am I hungry for some Cheetos)—Hoover, AL; Put Chuck Norris in charge of collecting money from deadbeat taxpayers—Meridien, CT

Jay Leno: Here’s kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody’s around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it? ... Hey, have you heard Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan? “Incoming!” ... As you know, Hillary Clinton now blaming her embellishment of her Bosnia trip on lack of sleep. See, that’s the difference between Hillary and Bill right there. After a night of no sleep, Bill never had a problem coming up with a believable story. ... Actually, new revelations about Hillary’s trip to Bosnia. You know that whole thing? It turns out it was a misunderstanding. Now she says she went there looking to hire a sniper.... It looks like there’s a little more fudging of Hillary’s records. Remember when she said she was deeply involved in the Irish Peace Process? Turns out, she just saw “Lord of the Dance.” ... It’s getting nasty. Hillary and Barack really going at it. They’re insulting each other, trading barbs, attacking each other’s credibility. In fact, the only break they take from attacking each other is when they promise the American people, if elected, they can unite the country.

[SpongeBob]

09 APR -

No DL

Jay Leno: This week is Explore Your Career Options week. Especially if you work for the Hillary Clinton campaign. ... Hillary’s senior campaign adviser, Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently he was coming under some heavy sniper fire. ... Penn was credited for catapulting her from a veritable shoo-in to second place. ... Good news for Hillary Clinton. You know Hillary’s ad where she says she’s ready to answer the phone at 3 AM? This is interesting. Today, she got a call from India and they said if this presidential thing doesn’t work out, they have a job for her in tech support. ... It looks like Barack Obama has taken a ten-point lead over Hillary Clinton. You know they say, behind every successful man there’s a woman. Unfortunately for Hillary, it’s her. ... Today, Barack Obama said that as president, when it comes to solving the problem of global warming, he wants to have Al Gore at the table... Al Gore at the table. Have you seen Al Gore lately? I think he needs to push a little away from the table. ... Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced he will not—will not—accept the nomination for vice president. Which is really important, considering no one has asked him.

[SpongeBob]

16 APR -

No DL

Jay Leno: Barack Obama got himself into a little hot water in Pennsylvania, when he said small town people become bitter, and cling to guns or religion because of economic problems. Well, sure, you pray your house doesn’t get repossessed, and when they take it, you pull out your gun. Makes perfect sense. ... Hillary Clinton attacked Barack Obama, called him “elitist,” and said he was out of touch with poor people. Later, Bill Clinton gave a speech on the subject, and charged a million bucks for it. ... In an effort to try and connect with some of the rural voters in Pennsylvania, Hillary said she has gone hunting, and once shot a duck. Don’t confuse that with Barack. He shot himself in the foot. That’s a totally different thing. Personally, I like Cheney. He shot a lawyer. ... Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. “I’m for Hillary now!” ... Did you all see that? She took the shot with the beer chaser. Did it like an old pro. To give you an idea how much she drank, when the phone rang at 3 a.m., slept right through it. ... The State Department has officially disapproved of former President Jimmy Carter’s trip to visit Syria, where he’s meeting with the terrorist group Hamas. The State Department disapproves of the trip, but they couldn’t stop him from going. And I thought this was kind of petty. For his return trip, they switched his flight to American. Good luck! Hope it all works out.

[SpongeBob]

23 APR-

David Letterman: Some winning entries in the “Top Ten Contest,” the “Top Ten Signs Katie Couric Doesn’t Care Anymore”: She now does the broadcast in her bathrobe and curlers (Hollywood, CA); She introduces the new members of her news team: Jim Beam and Jack Daniels (Azle, TX); Reports the over/under on how many days she has left (Roanoke, VA); Has listed her anchor chair on eBay (Wyanet, IL); Laughs out loud every time she says “Putin” (Sebring, FL); “Tonight’s top story: Some stuff I found in my pocket” (Austin, TX); Tapes entire week’s newscasts on Monday (Sachse, TX); Just repeats everything Brian Williams says about three seconds later (King, NC).

Jay Leno: In Pennsylvania, Hillary and Obama celebrated Earth Day by throwing dirt at each other. ... According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist. ... I watched the debate between Hillary and Barack. It was interesting. She was kinda lashing out at him, but to be fair, I think it was just the liquor talking. ... As you know, Hillary Clinton is trying to appeal to the blue-collar voters. She’s drinking, talking about hunting and fishing, and it’s working. She is now, in the latest poll, up eight points in the mullet vote. ... On “Hardball” the other day, a student asked John McCain to do shots with him after the debate, and all of the candidates have their favorite drinks now. For example, John McCain, he prefers Old Granddad. He likes that. Barack Obama, he likes the elitist Manhattan with extra bitters. And, of course, Hillary likes a shot of Old Crow, straight up. ... With oil prices hitting an all-time high, Barack Obama promised today if he is elected, he will fund research to develop a car that runs on the bitterness of economically-strapped Pennsylvania voters. ... This week, President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now if you reverse HUD, doesn’t that give you “DUH?”

[SpongeBob]

30 APR-

David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Signs President Bush Has Too Much Time On His Hands”: Spends most of the day looking for friends on Facebook; Stops by Cheney’s office every five minutes to see if he’s still alive; Calls leaders of foreign countries yelling, “Baba Booey Baba Booey”; Sits on the White House lawn and waves at cars; Gives the 3 p.m. White House tour; Earlier today, he washed and waxed Air Force One; “President is on the Trampoline” isn’t Secret Service code, he’s actually on the trampoline.

Jay Leno: John McCain has spent this week campaigning in what he calls the “forgotten areas” of the country. He is visiting places that are being ignored by our leaders, places like Pennsylvania now, now that the primary is over. See, unfortunately, at McCain’s age, as soon as he leaves these forgotten areas, he forgets he was there. ... And Barack Obama also on a tour, of places he’d like to forget, like his church. It’s never your enemies that kill you. It’s always your friends, isn’t it? ... Barack Obama is suffering from a bad headache today. His former pastor, Reverend Wright, is back out there. Reverend Wright gave an interview on PBS with Bill Moyers, and he said he’s gotten over a million emails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out, and every one of them came from Hillary Clinton. It was amazing. ... Hillary Clinton said she is a stronger candidate than Barack Obama. And to prove it, she counts the votes she got in Michigan, even though Obama’s name wasn’t even on the ballot. It’s a pretty strong argument. I mean, whenever Barack Obama’s name is not on the ballot, she beats him every single time.

[SpongeBob]

07 MAY-

No DL:

Jay Leno: Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote. ... Hillary Clinton told People magazine this week she’s never had cosmetic surgery. She said it it’s not for her. You know how politicians hate anything that’s fake. ... Actually, there was a rumor she had cosmetic surgery back in the ‘90s. They said she had her eyes done when she was First Lady. It turns out it was right after the scandal. They just took the blinders off. That was all. No actual surgery was involved. ... Because of where John McCain was born—he was born in the Panama Canal Zone, you know, not in the United States—there was a question as to whether he could legally become president. Well, this week, the Senate declared McCain is eligible to become president, and listen to this, because of his age, also eligible to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. So that worked out great for him. ... President Bush blasted Congress for not allowing oil exploration in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Democrats said it wouldn’t do any good, because it wouldn’t produce oil for 10 years. You know, the same thing they said 10 years ago.



THE DEMO-GOGUES
On diplomacy: “I want the Iranians to know that if I’m the president, we will attack Iran. In the next 10 years, during which they might foolishly consider launching an attack on Israel, we would be able to totally obliterate them.” —Hillary “Rambo” Clinton

[SpongeBob]

14 MAY -

No DL:

Jay Leno: As I’m sure you know by now, Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit. No, siree Bob. In fact, The New York Times reported the other night, while they were on stage, Bill Clinton actually wiped away a tear. This is true. And when Hillary saw it, she said, “Don’t worry, Bill, I’ll always be here with you.” And he said, “Don’t make it worse!” ... Hillary said she will not give up. She will go to the convention and win—to which the bartender said, “Ma’am, it’s 2 a.m. We’re closing.” ... The latest rumor is Hillary’s campaign is going broke, and her staff have been told that the future campaign events are gonna have to cut back on the frills. Taking out all the frills. For example, when traveling, Bill and Hillary are gonna have to share a hotel room.

[SpongeBob]

21 MAY -

Jay Leno: It was quite a weekend, politically. An estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the Willamette River. And if you believe the media, listen to this: After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. ... The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member, Senator Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That’s got to make Hillary feel good, huh? Even the Klan guy is going, “I’m gonna go with the black guy.” ... Hillary Clinton is doing whatever she can to stay in the race. Yeah, things are not looking good for Hillary. In fact, today, she was thinking of changing her name to “Gas Prices” just to see her numbers go up. ... In response to climate change, Barack Obama said we can’t drive our SUVs, keep our houses at 72 degrees, and eat all we want. When Al Gore heard we can’t eat all we want, he called Obama a global warming fanatic. ... All eyes are on Al Gore now. Ooh, who’s Al Gore going to endorse? And analysts think Gore will jump on the Obama bandwagon. Have you seen the size of Al Gore lately? That could be the end of the bandwagon.