Funnies...from Patriot Post

[SpongeBob]

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David Letterman: “Top Surprises in Al Gore’s New Book�: Dedicated to his “soulmate� Lindsay Lohan; 52 chapters... to match his waist size; Chastises Bill Clinton for not sharing the hot intern action; After the 2000 election, shaved his head and checked into rehab; All proceeds go to Paris Hilton’s legal defense fund; The threat that keeps him up at night? A massive Fritos shortage; Besides the Internet, also claims to have invented Keno; Brags that he has now written more books than President Bush has read.

Jay Leno: The price of gas just keeps going up. Gas is so expensive Jimmy Carter and President Bush are carpooling. ... Jimmy Carter actually said that George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said that’s not true, he said that he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C- in history. ... President Bush’s approval numbers have dropped as low as 28 percent. That’s the lowest for any president since... Jimmy Carter, so he knows what he’s talking about. ... Now Jimmy Carter is backtracking. He now says that his comments were “misinterpreted.� I’m sure the phrase “the worst in history� can be taken any number of ways. ... This is kind of alarming. A nature watchdog group says that we have five years to fix global warming or face catastrophic consequences. Like the possibility of another Al Gore movie. ... Democrats announced that they are going to have six debates in six different cities all around the country. The good news: Hillary Clinton will use a different accent for each city. ... The White House and key members from both houses of Congress have come to an agreement on an immigration bill. Now people from Mexico can finally come to this country and no longer go through all that red tape. ... The Associated Press says that many of the Mexican people in Mexico are against this new immigration bill. Oh, man. Let’s hope they don’t boycott coming here.

[SpongeBob]

15 AUG

Jay Leno: It was so hot today I was sweating like a Chinese toy salesman. ... It was so hot in North Carolina even John Edwards had a bad hair day. ... This week, the government announced a new operation to crack down on the hiring of illegals here in Los Angeles. It’s called Operation You’re Going To Have To Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise Your Own Kids. ... Another Democratic debate last [week]. I don’t want to say it did bad in the ratings, but it had so few viewers it was declared an NBC prime-time show. ... Did you see that horrible rainstorm in New York City? The flooding was so bad Hillary Clinton had to switch from a pantsuit to a wetsuit. ... Next week, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will work a shift as a nurse at a Las Vegas hospital. And you thought your doctor’s hands were cold. ... Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney say they will not participate in the Republican debate next month in Florida. John McCain said he will be there—if he can get a ride. ... Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband’s fundraising campaign is she can’t make him black, and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem with Michael Jackson’s people.

[SpongeBob]

[SpongeBob]

22 AUG

David Letterman: “Top Good Things About Marrying Into The Bush Family”: Great deals on Fallujah honeymoon; You’ll inherit President Bush’s extensive collection of Chuck Norris memorabilia; Might see Cheney shoot an old guy; Learning from Grandma Barbara how to spit chaw; Every Wednesday is Taco Night; If half the family hates you, you still have better approval rating than George Bush; W. can lend you the “Mission Accomplished” banner to put up in the bedroom.

[SpongeBob]

29 AUG

David Letterman: “Top Reasons Alberto Gonzales Resigned”: Felt he wasn’t incompetent enough for the Bush administration; Secretly ordered himself to fire himself; Was offered the John Travolta role in the touring production of “Hairspray”; Trying his hand at failing miserably in the private sector; Didn’t want to be around for transition to the Kucinich administration; Got a sweet new job at Kinko’s.

Jay Leno: Pretty busy day in Washington today. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and Karl Rove went to U-Haul together to help each other move. ... Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, conservative Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport men’s room. Today the senator’s office said it was all a big misunderstanding. The undercover police officer said the senator tried to reach under the stall to touch him, but the senator said, no, he wasn’t trying to touch him, he was only trying to pick up a piece of paper off the floor. Who picks up paper off the floor in the men’s room? I don’t even like when my shoe laces touch the floor in the men’s room. ... You know who I feel sorry for in this whole thing? The undercover cop. How’d you like to have that job? Sit in an airport bathroom all day, your pants around your ankles with a coffee and a donut waiting for guys to hit on you. ... At a political forum here in Hollywood last week, Hillary Clinton said that she does not support gay marriage. In fact, she said she’s not too crazy about straight marriage anymore, either. ... Fred Thompson said he’s still testing the waters in his bid for the presidency. He’s been testing the waters for what, like six months now? In fact, those aren’t wrinkles on his face—he’s starting to prune up from being in the water for so long.

[SpongeBob]

05 SEP

David Letterman: “Top Signs Osama bin Laden is Alive and Well”: FBI has indicted him for funding an illegal goat-fighting operation; On recent al-Qa’ida audiotape, he says some kind words about Merv Griffin; The new U.S. Weekly has photos of him in a hot tub with Britney; The congratulatory phone call to Barry Bonds; He’s booked with Regis and Susan Lucci at Foxwoods Resort & Casino; His MySpace page was updated this morning; Seen house hunting in L.A. with wife Posh bin Laden.

Jay Leno: President Bush was going to give the White House staff the day off for Labor Day, but then he realized everyone resigned—no one works there anymore. ... A couple of big anniversaries [last] week. It’s been two years since Hurricane Katrina and one year since FEMA found out about it. ... A lot of people are now calling Sen. Larry Craig a hypocrite because he was a very vocal opponent of same-sex marriages. But to be fair, he has never publicly come out against anonymous, gay, bathroom sex. ... You had the cop on one side. You know who was in the stall on the other side? Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey. If he just tapped his foot the other way, this whole thing could’ve had a happy ending. ... Speaking at a forum organized by Lance Armstrong on cancer research, Hillary Clinton told Chris Matthews if she were elected president, she would declare war on cancer, then she would support the war on cancer for two years, then she would be against it for a year, then she would back out of it all together.

[VB]

Hillary Clinton told Chris Matthews if she were elected president, she would declare war on cancer, then she would support the war on cancer for two years, then she would be against it for a year, then she would back out of it all together

That kind of hit the nail on the head.

[SpongeBob]

12 SEP

David Letterman: “Top Signs Your Neighbor is Hiding Osama bin Laden”: He’s turned backyard jungle gym into Taliban training camp; You call over there and someone answers, “Death to America... I mean, Yello”; There’s a large “No Infidels” sign on the front porch; In latest video, behind Osama is you mowing the lawn; Neighborhood suddenly reeks of figs and sheep; Got invited to summer block party—this years theme: “Sun, Fun and Jihad”; Mailbox now reads, “Rutherford/bin Laden”; Car in the driveway has a hilarious “Martyrdom or Bust” bumper sticker.

Jay Leno: In his latest video, Osama bin Laden urges all Americans to reject democracy and convert to Islam. Well, I can see that happening! Is this guy living in a cave? ... No, bin Laden said he wants Americans to convert to Islam because there are no taxes in his world. Which is true. There’s also no music, no ice, no books... And from the looks of bin Laden, no toothpaste or deodorant either. ... Newsweek has a big cover story on Fred Thompson’s presidential campaign. You learn a lot about him. For example, he used to work at NBC, so apparently he knows how to deal with disasters. ... In Idaho, restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig, he said he will resign. He said he enjoyed being in Washington and he’ll miss his colleagues on both sides of the stall. First he’s going to resign, now he’s not going. Why can’t the guy just be straight with us? Even John Kerry’s going, “make up your mind.” ... And here’s a joke that pretty much writes itself. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey—remember he resigned from office because he had a gay affair—now he’s enrolled in a seminary school to become a priest. (You may fill in your own joke.) A former married governor who was having anonymous gay sex at truck stops now wants to become a member of the clergy. Well what could go wrong there?

[SpongeBob]

19 SEP
David Letterman: “Top Surprises in General Petraeus’s Report to Congress”: Opens with a forward from Jerry Stiller; Kurds and Sunnis are contemplating joining forces under the new name, “Kurnis”; Addressed some congressman as “Mommy”; An entire section devoted to his famous ham salad recipe; Most of his solutions were based on old episodes of “MacGyver”; Said more needs to be done about senators with wide restroom stances.

Jay Leno: General Petraeus [testified] before Congress and a number of senators accused General Petraeus of lying. You’ve gotta understand why they’re upset. If you are going to deceive the American people, you do it the right way: You run for Congress. ... Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way Gen. Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Cheney said it’s horrible the way people mock and treat a soldier. I’ll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him. ... A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman. ... Senator Vitter is denying this woman’s allegations. Who are you gonna believe, a U.S. senator or a hooker? I’ve gotta go with the hooker. ... Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear gas in New Jersey? Air freshener.

26 SEP
NO DL

Jay Leno: The president of Iran, Mahmud Ahma-nut job, came to New York to address the United Nations. Why isn’t his name on the no-fly list? You don’t want to get stuck behind him in the security line. How long would that take? Actually, you know he’d go through the line in two minutes, but they’d strip search the 85-year-old grandmother standing behind him. ... Did you know he was issued a visa to come here? Isn’t that amazing? You need a visa to get into the United States now! When did they start with that? ... You know the interesting part? After he landed, he actually drove his own cab in from the airport. ... According to a new report out of Cuba, Fidel Castro is near death, but is clinging to life and he is determined to outlive the Bush presidency. Wow, just like Dan Rather. ... At a John Kerry speech at the University of Florida, a student was asking the senator so many annoying questions that police tasered him. Of course, people in Washington were stunned by this. What? John Kerry’s still giving speeches? ... While the cops had him down, did you hear what he yelled to the police? He was yelling, ‘Don’t tase me bro.’ You know something, any time a white guy says the word ‘bro,’ he deserves to get tasered. ... Another person was tasered today during a John Kerry speech. Not for being disruptive—I guess while listening to Kerry, the guy slipped into a coma.

[SpongeBob]

03 OCT
David Letterman: “Top Ways George W. Bush Can Boost His Approval Rating”: Play comical slide-whistle every time he screws up; Tell everyone “W” stands for “Whoa, this guy’s awesome!”; Help O.J. find the real memorabilia; Devote weekly radio address to discuss what’s happening on “The Hills”; What do you mean “boost”? Everything’s great!; Appoint blue ribbon commission to find out what happened to the Mets.

Jay Leno: It’s official—Congress now has the lowest approval rating of any Congress in the history of the United States. It is just 11 percent. In fact, their approval rating is so low, today they were invited to speak at Columbia University. ... In a recent interview former President Bill Clinton was asked how he would handle being a “first husband.” If Hillary gets elected that would be his title. He said he would have no problem being a first husband. Being a husband first—that’s a problem. ... Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby in America at birth. Imagine that? Every baby born would get a $5,000 bond. Today Barack Obama topped that with $6,000 and a year supply of Turtle Wax. ... Advertisers have announced plans to put up giant billboards at the runway at LAX so passengers can read them while sitting on the plane on the runway. They say it’s a way to reach people who come to visit L.A. If you want to reach millions of people who are coming to L.A., put the sign up at the border. ... Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently?

[SpongeBob]

OK..so I couldn't find this thread...
And I have been really drunk lately...
And a dog stole my computer....

Nevermind the lies...I have let my conservative breathen (and sisterns) down....
I think I should be punished....
I nominate ROS.....

Anwyho....

17 OCT
David Letterman: “Top Messages on Al Gore’s Answering Machine”: Hi, Mandy from The Cheesecake Factory. You left your credit card; George W. Bush here. Congratulations on your Latin Grammy; It’s Larry from Toyota. This global warming paranoia is great for business; Put on Letterman. Some idiot is going to jump over interns; This is Hillary. If you run for President, I’ll snap your neck; I’m calling from the EPA. Turns out there is no global warming; You’re just sweating because you’re getting fat; This is Jimmy Carter. Want to use our medals to score some babes?

“Top Questions President Bush Asked the Dalai Lama”: What is that, some kind of Halloween get up?; I got one for you—why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?; Where’s Mrs. Lama?; Are you that Japanese guy my dad threw up on?; How’s business in Dollywood?; I know your cousin Barack O’Lama.

Jay Leno: Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. How about that? And he did it without a single vote from Florida. ... Now that he’s won the Nobel Prize, Al Gore has a huge, international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad—today he stepped onto that platform and it collapsed. ... A lot of people are wondering now if Al Gore will run for president. Which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of a global warming vs. global cooling. ... Barack Obama is attacking some of Hillary Clinton’s comments on torture. At one point, Hillary had said that “in some narrow cases torture could be acceptable.” Like, for example, if your husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning. ... The Taco Bell restaurant chain is about to open in Mexico City. Today, the government of Mexico called it a hate crime. ... China is outraged that we would honor the Dalai Lama at the White House. I hope they don’t try to get back at us—you know, maybe put lead in our toys or antifreeze in our toothpaste.

24 OCT
David Letterman: “Top New Fall Shows on Al-Jazeera”: The Love Goat; Third Rock from the Sunni; Jihadin’ With the Stars; Two and a Half Mullahs; Betty Who May or May Not Be Ugly As She’s Concealed By a Burqa; The Abdul Van Dyke Show; Lets Rob Cat Stevens; Pimp My Turban.

Jay Leno: What a terrific audience we have. We have 500 people here tonight. We have straight people, we have gay people, we have white people, we have black people. It’s like a Dick Cheney family reunion. ... Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are eighth cousins. Isn’t that amazing? Even more amazing: Dick Cheney, Darth Vader—second cousins. ... Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Cheney’s connection was the result of one of Obama’s ancestors marrying one of Cheney’s ancestors in 1650. You know who introduced them in 1650? Bob Dole. ... President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House. One kind of awkward moment: When the Dalai Lama walked into the Oval Office, he was wearing the traditional robe, and President Bush started chanting, “Toga, Toga!” ... [The Dalai Lama] was given the [Congressional] Medal of Freedom. As you know, the Dalai Lama does not engage in sex, drugs, alcohol or tobacco. Which raises the question, what was Congress honoring him for? This goes against everything Congress represents. ... Republican Senator Sam Brownback’s campaign announced he will drop out of the presidential race. Now the hard part, of course, is breaking the news to his supporter. ... I mean the writing was on the wall. You knew it was going to happen. Like at the last presidential debate, the only question he got was, “I’m sorry, what’s your name again?” ... A new study found that screeners at L.A. International Airport missed 75 percent of the big bombs that were sent through the line as tests. However, they did confiscate 100 percent of people’s water bottles, which forced them to buy new ones at the airport gift shop.

31 OCT
David Letterman: From “Top Ten Things Overheard During Dick Cheney’s Hunting Trip”: Has everyone updated their will? The crisp air is giving me goose bumps—no, wait, it’s another heart attack; This can’t end well; My pacemaker also makes bird calls; You shoot one guy in the face, avoid talking to authorities, delay taking a blood-alcohol test, and you’re labeled a bad guy; Duck!

Jay Leno: Lot of candidates getting into the Halloween spirit. Today, John Edwards said he was going to get a $15 haircut and go as someone from the other America. ... Even FEMA employees are celebrating Halloween. They’re all getting dressed up as reporters this year. ... FEMA is handling another disaster—its own Public Relations department. This is unbelievable to me! FEMA has apologized for staging a fake news conference on the California wildfires. They had a fake news conference in which FEMA employees pretended to be reporters and asked softball questions to their idiot boss. It was obvious the reporters were FEMA workers because the questions were about the 2003 fire. ... New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced that New York will give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. So, for the first time ever, a lot of New York City cab drivers will actually have a license. ... Democrats in Congress have announced they will now be taking Fridays off. Apparently, they were getting worried their approval rating was too high. ... The president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, and his wife have gotten a divorce. Apparently, there were rumors of infidelity and lack of trust. To which Bill and Hillary said, ‘Well, that’s no reason to get divorced’.

07 OCT
Nothing....

[SpongeBob]

14 NOV -
David Letterman: “Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Is Trying to Improve Her Image” (submitted by “Late Show” viewers while Hollywood writers are on strike): She announced a new line of designer pantsuits (San Diego, CA); Promises to appoint Judge Judy to the Supreme Court (Houston, TX); Strongly endorses both sides of every issue (Middletown, NJ); Apologizes and checks into rehab for no apparent reason (Eagle River, WI); Borrowing John Edwards’ conditioner (Crosby, TX); Promises pudding for all Americans. Everyone loves pudding! (Apopka, FL); After two weeks of practice, can now sustain a four-second smile (New London, WI); Helping Dennis Kucinich return to his home planet (Hagerstown, MD); Showing she’s tough on drugs by throwing out Bill’s Viagra (Mount Tabor, NJ); Offering to use her frigidity to combat global warming (Ottawa, ON).

Jay Leno: The writers are [still] on strike... They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the ‘90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating.

[SpongeBob]

Looks like they are back.......
09 JAN -
David Letterman:
From the “Top Ten Signs You’re Watching Bad Election Coverage”: TV reporters seem to be using the word “dude” a lot; Because of the writers strike they show reruns of the Reagan-Mondale election; Exit polling question: “Did you have trouble finding the exit?”; Three candidates each received 50% of the votes; Top half of screen shows election coverage, bottom half is “American Gladiators”; Pundit says it’s looking unlikely Bush will be re-elected; It’s 3 hours of Dog the Bounty Hunter yelling racial slurs; Still haven’t projected winner from Iowa.



Jay Leno:
Congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner in the Iowa caucus. He got 57 percent of the youth vote and 100 percent of Iowa’s black vote—a guy named Larry. ... And congratulations to Mike Huckabee, the Republican winner. Just one appearance on the “Tonight Show” and he won! ... Hillary Clinton came in third—third! Apparently she chose the wrong talk show to appear on. ... One of Hillary’s campaign people said, “[Iowa’s] defeat is just a bump in the road.” Kind of like the scene in “Titanic” when the guy goes, “What was that?” “Oh just an iceberg...” ... Isn’t it about time reporters stopped asking stupid questions? [To Barack Obama] “Do you think America is ready for a black president?” Like he’s gonna go, “Oh you got me! C’mon honey, let’s go home.” ... It finally stopped raining. Even though we’ve had all this rain the last couple of days, forecasters say California could be looking at a three years’ dry spell due to a weather pattern called La Nina. Ever notice when we have bad weather we blame it on the Mexicans?

[SpongeBob]

16 JAN -
David Letterman: “Top Ten Signs Your Presidential Campaign is in Trouble”: When asked what you’d do about Iraq, you say, “Do I Rock?”; You’re often described as “John Kerry without Charisma”; Many of your supporters have been hospitalized because you ordered your campaign buttons from China; You’ve been running negative ads about yourself; Only Endorsement you’ve received was from “Burrito Afficionado” magazine; When reporting caucus results, media refers to you as “Other”; “Meet the Press” appearance turns ugly when you put Tim Russert in a headlock; Budget director blew most of your campaign funds betting on the Knicks; You’ve primarily been campaigning in Canada; You often ask, “What would George W. Bush do?”



Jay Leno: Big news: Barack Obama has increased his Secret Service protection. And that’s just from Hillary. ... Some sad news for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this? Apparently, he’s been endorsed by former candidate, John Kerry. Just when things are going so well. ... This year, the Immigration and Naturalization Service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. It now costs about $700. You know how much the Immigration and Naturalization Service expects to make this year from people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400. ... I read something about terrorists. The scariest weapon is a dirty bomb. It’s a regular bomb that’s coated in radioactive waste. It’s the same thing as a corndog. ... According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush commented on this today, he said, “Why do we need our kids to find the U.S. on a map? They’re already here.”

[SpongeBob]

23 JAN -

No DL

Jay Leno: Voters are starting to warm up to Hillary Clinton. You what that means. This may be the best proof yet for global warming. Hillary is starting to thaw. ... John Edwards keeps coming in third, but he says he’s not worried about it. He now says he doesn’t believe there are two Americas. He now thinks there are three. And he’s going to keep looking for the one that wants him to be president. ... There was a big Democratic debate the other night, and NBC would not allow Dennis Kucinich into the debate because his poll numbers were not high enough. How ironic is that—NBC saying your ratings are too low. ... It cost me 65 bucks to fill up my car today. Remember when 65 bucks would buy you a large latte at Starbucks?