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Thread: Funnies...from Patriot Post

  1. #61
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    Default Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    25 Mar-
    Jay Leno:

    People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show. We tried to have other presidents on, but President Bush went to bed every night at 9:00. And President Clinton always seemed to have other late-night plans.
    More problems for AIG: It turns out that the bonus money was actually $218 million, not $165 million as originally reported. AIG says they misplaced $53 million in bonus money. Today Sen. Chris Dodd said, "You mean that wasn't a campaign contribution?"
    Senator Chris Dodd -- or 'Chris Dodge,' as they're calling him now -- after first denying it, now admits he's the one who eliminated the provision in the stimulus package that outlawed excessive bonuses. And coincidentally, he just happened to receive $280,000 from AIG in campaign contributions. What are the odds of that?
    Congress is now investigating the special treatment that "Senator Dodge" ... received from Countrywide Mortgage for a couple of mortgages. Senator Dodd has contended he didn't know he was getting special rates on the mortgages. And, really, to be fair, how would the Senate chairman of the banking committee have any idea what the normal lending rate would be?

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    Default Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    01 APR-

    Jay Leno:


    The Obama administration asked General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed. This is good news for Obama; the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months -- and even then, he had to promise her a job as secretary of state.

    According to the government, Rick Wagoner was forced to resign because of poor performance. That's embarrassing -- run an organization that loses billions of dollars and then get fired by a guy who heads up an organization that loses trillions of dollars.

    Obama also said if you buy a new car, you will able to deduct the sales tax from your income tax. Or you can just take a job at the White House and you wouldn't have to pay taxes at all.

    President Obama said this week that things will get worse before they get better. That's something you never hear before the election -- "Let me tell you, if I'm elected it's going to get a lot worse."

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    Default Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    08 Apr -

    Jay Leno:

    President Obama and the First Lady met with Queen Elizabeth and the royal family at Buckingham Palace. Actually, you know why they did that? This is all part of Obama's campaign to reach out to those people without any real jobs.
    A lot of Americans don't understand the role of the queen. The queen is merely a figurehead. She wields no real political power. Or, as we call it in this country, the vice president.
    At the G-20 summit, the White House accidentally listed a phone-sex line for journalists seeking an on-record briefing call for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. To which Bill said, "Boy, did they get the wrong number."

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    Default Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    15 APR-
    Jay Leno:

    [It's] April 15th [and] taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, '99, 2000.
    [A]ccording to a survey on how Americans will spend their tax returns, 48 percent say they'll pay debts, 39 percent will save it, 27 percent will use it for everyday expenses, 11 percent will make a major purchase, and another 11 percent will use it for vacation. OK, that adds up to 136 percent. OK, there's the problem right there!
    Last night I had a new drink: the Navy Seals shot. It's three shots and boom! You're done.
    Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all untrained teenagers with heavy weapons -- which we call rap stars in this country.

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    Sweet! Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    I paid in the rest of my Bail Out Tax on April first.AIRBORNE! GERONIMO!!

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    Default Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    29 APR-

    Jay Leno:

    I was sick for two days last week. Had to go to the hospital after I ate a raw pig a friend brought back from Mexico.
    You learn a lot about the system. You know, like, people say, "Oh, where do hospitals get the nerve to charge $10 for an aspirin?" See, this is why President Obama wants to do something about healthcare in this country. See, under his plan, hospital aspirin only costs a dollar maximum. Of course, there would be a $9 tax on it.
    I wasn't that sick, but some people are, because of this swine flu, which has knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. You notice that? So, it's obvious who is spreading the swine flu -- Dick Cheney.
    They're calling it swine flu because it's either originated from pigs or AIG executives.
    To give you an idea how bad this swine flu is, today the U.S. government took down the border wall and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard.
    Remember the good old days when we thought the only bad pork was in the federal budget?

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    Default Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    The answering machine for the US Army crisis line



    Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a detailed message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you.

    As soon as we have sorted out Centeral Asia, the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, Communist China, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers: If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

    If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, on weekends, or in bad weather.

    Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
    If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please press 3 and speak slowly to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis. If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force and wait two weeks for delivery.

    If you are in real hot trouble, please press 5, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command for an additional fee of $10. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
    If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your butt off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and while watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line, Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
    Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.


    "You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everybody dances with the Grim Reaper"

    -Robert Alton Harris

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    Default Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    06 May-
    Jay Leno:

    Sixty-nine-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen. What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job.

    As a replacement for Judge Souter, they say President Obama is looking for a woman, and the rumor is Hillary Clinton is on the short list. Yeah. That's got to be Bill's worst nightmare, huh? A woman who can rule on the death penalty.

    Well, as you know, Supreme Court judge is a job for life. There's only one other job in Washington that's a job for life. That's on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit. And that's 24/7. That's very hectic.

    In fact, just a day after saying he wouldn't go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden.
    Last edited by SpongeBob; 05-15-2009 at 09:14 PM.

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    Default Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    13 May -
    Jay Leno:

    President Obama [did] not have a prayer service for National Prayer Day. I understand that -- between the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright he hasn't had the best of luck with prayer services.
    Government bureaucrats in China have been ordered to smoke more locally produced cigarettes in order to set an example for citizens and stimulate the Chinese cigarette industry. And health officials are worried that smoking could become the number one cause of death now because of this government mandate. But do you know what the number one cause of death is in China now? Disobeying a government mandate. So, you're kind of stuck.
    The price of a postage stamp has gone up to 44 cents. The government says they had to raise the price because fewer people are using the mail these days. That's government thinking for you. "Hey nobody's buying our products -- let's raise the price!"

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    Default Re: Funnies...from Patriot Post

    Some of these are plain funny.

    http://www.racialslurs.com/

    B Co 1/509th ABCT 1973-1976

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