Funnies...from Patriot Post

[SpongeBob]

05 Nov-
P2 is Mourning so there were no "funnies" so to speak.....


"Perhaps the biggest mystery of all is why anyone would want more money and more power in the hands of the federal government, which is really the basis of Obama's campaign." --Burt Prelutsky
"I want to invite Senator Obama because he needs to do something... He needs to do something about those skinny legs! We're gonna make him do some squats and then we're going to go give him some bicep curls to beef up the scrawny little arms. But if we only could do something about putting some meat on his ideas." --Arnold Schwarzenegger ++ "I disagree with Arnold Schwarzenegger about one thing. He said Obama needs to go out there and do some squats. He's already done squat! Barack Obama has done diddly-squat!" --Rush Limbaugh
"Barack Obama's staff pleaded for get-out-the-vote volunteers in Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania. The memo said not to come if they're expecting a vacation, they should only come if they want to work. Look, if they wanted to work they wouldn't be Democrats." --Argus Hamilton
"According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama." --Jay Leno

[SpongeBob]

12 Nov -
Jay Leno: President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting [Monday] at the White House. And they found that with all their differences, they have one thing in common: Neither trusts the Clintons.
There's a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up being secretary of state. Which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world. To which Bill said, "Yes!"
In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He'll be replaced by Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we're getting some young blood in there.
As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they moved to the White House. He's already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, Bill Clinton told him that the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female.
Only a few days past the election, and both parties are already gearing up for 2012. Unbelievable. How's Barack Obama going to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012? "Don't Change -- Everything's Fine!"

[SpongeBob]

19 NOV -
Jay Leno: According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's, or either of the President Bushes when they entered office. On Fox News, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.

The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to Hillary Clinton. That's kind of sad considering how close Hillary came to being the first female president. Imagine after that -- her next job offer? Secretary.

Hillary Clinton might make a very good secretary of state -- she can cackle in seven different languages.

Actually this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has called for emergency assistance for the auto industry. She said it was an absolute emergency. But since it was Nancy Pelosi, no one could tell from her facial expression that it was an emergency.

[SpongeBob]

03 DEC-

Jay Leno:

Welcome to "The Tonight Show." I have some wonderful news for you. Everyone in our audience tonight is getting a Federal bailout. Congratulations!

This week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it -- one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout.

Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, [Monday was] Black Monday. The stock market lost 679 points. Not even a stock market, that's a flea market.

I tell you, the economy is bad. In fact -- you know the White House turkey? Turned down the pardon. Said all his money's in the market. Nothing left to live for.

In political news, President-elect Barack Obama has named Hillary Clinton as his secretary of state. I am no political expert. I don't pretend to know much about international affairs. But speaking strictly as a late-night talk show host, a Clinton back in office? Yes!

During her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's financial affairs. To which Hillary said, "What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem!"

[SpongeBob]

10 DEC-
Jay Leno:

President-elect Barack Obama was on "Meet the Press" [Sunday] and he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That's what he said. It's going to get worse. See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, "The audacity of hope!", "Yes, we can!", "Change we can believe in!" Now it's, "We're all screwed, good night, thank you! It's going to get worse!"

What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Remember last month, the three auto company heads flew to Washington in private jets looking for their bailout? Remember they own the private jets? Well, this time, the three CEOs drove in their own hybrid cars; 520 miles they drove in their own hybrid cars. See, you know what I think the government should have done here? Make it like "The Amazing Race." You drop these guys off, no money, no transportation, give them some tools, they have to build a car. First one to Washington, they get the bailout.

This year, the Treasury Department is holding its annual holiday party inside something called the cash room. You know what that is in Washington, the cash room? That's a big room where the Treasury Department holds all its cash it has on hand. Of course, these days it's empty, so plenty more room to party.

[yrualeg]

10 DEC-
Jay Leno:

President-elect Barack Obama was on "Meet the Press" [Sunday] and he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That's what he said. It's going to get worse. See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, "The audacity of hope!", "Yes, we can!", "Change we can believe in!" Now it's, "We're all screwed, good night, thank you! It's going to get worse!"

You ain't lying Bro...

[SpongeBob]

17 Dec-
Jay Leno:

As you know, [over the weekend] in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a "shoe-icide" bomber.

You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything.

The journalist who threw the shoe was immediately arrested, and then offered his own show on MSNBC.

Now, here's my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn't they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I'm saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren't these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?

Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture and he said, "Let me clarify what happened here." He said, "In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult." Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment.

[SpongeBob]

07 JAN-
Jay Leno:
For the next two weeks, President-elect Barack Obama will be living full-time at a hotel right across the street from the White House. This is historic because this is the first time a Democrat has checked into a Washington hotel room under his own name.
Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don't want to say he's unpopular, but [over Christmas] as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him.
Congress says they're looking into the Bernie Madoff scandal. So the guy who made $50 billion disappear, is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
In an interview with The Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. I was stunned by that. He gets driven around in a limo; he's surrounded by bodyguards; he shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star!

14 JAN -
Jay Leno:
Hey, did you all see Barack Obama's speech about the economy [Thursday]? Very sobering. He told Washington, "We've arrived at this point due to an era of profound irresponsibility." Of course, there's only one way out of it. Spend more money we don't have.
The chief of staff for embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on issues of ethics in the workplace. How ironic is that? Was Bernard Madoff not available?
Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. So apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person.
And, you know, I don't think he gets it. When he found out he was impeached, Blagojevich said he has a replacement governor already picked out. He's got somebody ready to move in.
I think President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard this job is going to be. [Tuesday] he said he wanted to bring a "sense of accountability to Washington." I think they realize actual accountability is never going to happen. So if you just bring a "sense" of it, that would be fantastic.

[SpongeBob]

21 JAN-
Jay Leno:
You know a lot of celebrities in Washington for the inauguration. Isn't that unbelievable? So many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu, they had to close the Promises Rehab Center for a week.
Good luck trying to find a place to stay. Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and Hillary had to double up.
Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.
Incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs said President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" are over. Actually, that's not quite true. Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money. "Don't Ask Us What We Did With It, We're Not Going To Tell You Where It Went."
At his confirmation hearing, Attorney General Nominee Eric Holder said as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury secretary nominee Tim Geithner said, "So is paying taxes."
President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you.

[SpongeBob]

28 JAN -

Jay Leno:
President Obama said when it comes to passing the stimulus package we can't afford distractions and delays. You know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee.
President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They're all on the "do not fly" list.
Well, I mean, what'll they do with them? I mean, look, most politicians don't want them in their state or their district. Other countries don't want them. Although, today, New York City's Yellow Cab Company said, "Hey, we'll take them."
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's impeachment trial got under way [Monday]. But he was not there. He didn't go. He went on "The View" instead, which is a pretty smart move, because it will help his case when he pleads insanity.
Former French President Jacques Chirac was rushed to the hospital after being mauled by his clinically depressed poodle. See that's how you know that the French are not fighters, okay -- when their leader is attacked by a maniacal poodle.

[SpongeBob]

11 FEB-
Jay Leno:
In Hawaii, a billion-dollar Navy warship has run aground, and they can't get it unstuck. Its name? The USS Economy.
The economy is so bad right now Barack Obama's new slogan is "Spare Change You Can Believe In."
The jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco.
It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where you throw good money after bad, or as the government calls it, a stimulus package.
It came out today that the House Democratic Caucus spent $500,000 of taxpayer money for retreats at luxury resorts and spas -- though Democrats say that the time was used for "strategic planning for the country." Really? Then what's the Capitol building for?
President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf.
See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you're not performing well, and you're taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, two bucks an hour?

[SpongeBob]

18 FEB-
Jay Leno:
In Denver, President Obama signed the stimulus package into law. Anyone feel stimulated?
Fewer people are getting plastic surgery, the industry reports. How ironic. The one time you need a smile on your face and you can't even afford to get it.
Things are so bad, three stockbrokers tried to kill themselves by eating peanuts.
[A]irlines are now charging extra if you want peanuts without salmonella.
Well, just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg has withdrawn as the nominee for Commerce Secretary. In a statement explaining why he turned it down, he cited 'irresolvable conflict.' So, apparently, he must have paid his taxes.
After withdrawing his name for commerce secretary ... Gregg said he hoped he was just embarrassing himself and not President Obama, to which Joe Biden said, "Don't worry about it. I do it all the time."
Prosecutors have asked a Federal judge to send Marion Barry, the former mayor of Washington, DC, to jail for failing to file tax returns for the eighth time in nine years. ... So for Barry, it's either jail or a cabinet position in the Obama administration. Either one.

[SpongeBob]

04 MAR -
Jay Leno:
Well, the Catholic observance of Lent started last week. How many have already given up their 401(k)s?
After giving AIG $85 billion in September and then another $65 billion, what, in November, they're now asking for another $30 billion. The government says they need to restructure the bailout. Restructure? How about rethink or revoke?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900 million to the Palestinians in Gaza. Let's hope they don't spend it all on rocks this time.
Apparently we ran out of banks here to bail out, so now we're bailing out the West Bank.
The Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, it's Obama's second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems.

[SpongeBob]

11 MAR-

Jay Leno:
There's talk President Barack Obama wants to lift trade restrictions with Cuba, which is great news for anybody here looking to buy a '58 Buick.
Astronomers say they have discovered enormous black holes five billion light years from Earth that is sucking up everything in their path. They name the black holes "AIG-1" and "AIG-2."
Politicians in the state of Iowa have voted to rename their Department of Elder Affairs. They're changing the name to the Department of Aging. Have they thought this through? I mean, now, elderly people will be calling the DOA.
Well according to National Enquirer, John Edwards has admitted to his wife that he fathered a love child with his mistress. Is it really a love child? Isn't it more like a "hurry up before my wife gets home" child?

[SpongeBob]

18 MAR -

Jay Leno:
The U.S. Justice department said they will no longer use the term "enemy combatant" when talking about detainees at Guantanamo Bay. The new name will be "guys who make you nervous when they're on your flight."
The insurance company AIG has done it again. They announced they're giving their executives another $165 million in bonuses. So they bankrupt the company, took $170 billion of our dollars, and they're giving out bonuses. You know the main thing they want to reward their people for? Convincing the Treasury Department to give out $170 billion to a failing company.
Now it turns out they gave $35 billion -- not million -- $35 billion of our money to bail out European banks. See, this is how a global economy works. Our hard earned tax dollars are used to bail out German banks for making bad investments in American companies that shut down because their Japanese owners moved the whole thing to India, China and Mexico. You follow?
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was called before Congress again. Geithner defended himself against criticism, saying he inherited this crisis. In fact, he said when the economy started this downturn he was busy in the private sector cheating on his taxes.
Because of the bad economy, they're laying off employees on "Sesame Street." It's pretty sad. Elmo is now out on the street letting people tickle him for $5.