Funnies...from Patriot Post

[SpongeBob]

28 May-

No DL:

Jay Leno: Barack Obama is now focusing on John McCain, is calling it “a contest of the past versus the future.” How many people wish it were the future and this election was already in the past? ... The McCain campaign announced it will be releasing John McCain’s medical records. They would have released them sooner, but it took a while to dig them up, literally. They had to have a team of archaeologists literally dig them up... Hey, good news for John McCain. He announced this week he had his best fundraising month ever—$18.5 million. That, plus what he gets from Social Security, so that works out. ... When speaking in Montana, Barack Obama got a standing ovation when he said, “It is time to take back the country.” The bad news: he was on an Indian reservation at the time. ... Earlier this week, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy. He was given a 19-gun salute. And two Coast Guard members were slightly injured when Cheney returned fire.

[SpongeBob]

04 JUNE -
David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Things Overheard At Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters”: “I can’t believe the campaign’s over already”; “Hillary’s changing into her concession pantsuit”; “So they’re nominating the guy with the most delegates, superdelegates, and states won? Outrageous!”; “Help us, Iron Man!”; “The Senator is in intense negotiations with Jim Beam”; “There’s a guy here to repossess the water cooler”; “It’s not the end—you can always get fat and make a global warming documentary”; “Is Obama still hiring?”

Jay Leno: Well, it looks like the Democrats finally solved their delegate problem. It seems the Democratic Party rules panel agreed to allow delegates from Florida and Michigan to take part in the convention, but each delegate will only count as half a vote. You’ve heard of superdelegates? These are the new fun-sized delegates. ... Congratulations to Hillary Clinton, who won the Democratic primary in Puerto Rico. This is important because, as you know, Puerto Rico has absolutely no vote for president. I think she also won big in Guatemala. ... Over the weekend, Barack Obama left his church. And after, he said to Hillary, “Okay, now it’s your turn to quit something.” ... Barack Obama says he’s now looking for a new church—preferably one where the religious order has to take a vow of silence.

[SpongeBob]

11 JUN -

David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Messages Left on Barack Obama’s Answering Machine”: “It’s Eliot Spitzer—let’s get some girls and celebrate!”; “John McCain here, I... crap, I forgot why I called”; “This is Al Gore, don’t make the same mistake I did and win the popular vote”; “It’s John McCain again. What is this some kind of machine that answers the phone?”; “You’ve just made a powerful enemy of The Pantsuit Manufacturers of America”; “Hillary calling; I’m still prepared to offer you the Vice President position.”

Jay Leno: Hey, did you all see Hillary’s concession speech over the weekend? Very good. She gave a lovely, lovely speech. She was gracious, very complimentary. And she said she wanted Barack Obama to win, and then she hugged her husband, Bill. Then the Secret Service grabbed her, threw her to the ground and said, “What have you done with the real Senator Clinton? Who are you?” ... Hillary may be secretly glad this whole thing is over. Because now she can go back to doing what she loves the most: hunting, drinking whiskey, shooting—back to her roots. ... The talk is that Hillary Clinton is going to try and help unite the party. But Bill Clinton says, according to his experience, the party is usually over whenever Hillary shows up. ... As you know, last week, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a secret, late-night meeting in Washington, DC. One kind of embarrassing moment, as Hillary was sneaking out of the house to go to the meeting, she bumped into Bill, who was sneaking back in from a secret meeting of his own.... Barack Obama took time off this weekend from campaigning to spend time with his family. In fact, he said on Saturday night he was going on a date with his wife, Michelle. When Bill Clinton heard that, he said to Hillary, “We need to stay away from these people. They’re freaks!”

[SpongeBob]

18 JUN -

Jay Leno: Congressman Anthony Wiener of New York has introduced a bill that will grant immigrant status, immigrant visas, to supermodels that want to come here. Well, I have never been prouder to be an American. ... Hey, have you hear this story that Barack Obama and [actress] Scarlett Johansson are apparently e-mail buddies? Scarlett Johansson is quoted as saying, ‘My heart belongs to Barack Obama.’ How about that, huh? Barack’s not even president yet, still doing way better than Bill Clinton ever did. ... Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury. ... Hillary Clinton’s camp says she is not actively seeking the vice presidential nomination. Passive-aggressively seeking it, yes. ... The New York Times is reporting that Clinton associates are keeping an enemies list, an enemies list of all of the people who are considered Clinton traitors. And ironically, both Bill and Hillary are on each other’s lists. ... Barack Obama took some time out from campaigning recently to go on a date with his wife. And when Hillary Clinton heard about that, she said to Bill, ‘Why can’t you do something like that?’ So, today, Bill asked Barack Obama’s wife out on a date.

Also adding this quote......thought it were good.....

“We now are down to two presidential candidates. One went to the Ivy League and Harvard Law School as a young man. The other spent years of his youth in a Vietnam Prisoner of War camp and suffered lifelong injuries. Guess which one whines more about his hardships? Barack Obama is many things—a senator, a gifted orator, and a charismatic figure. But he’s also a whiner.” —Peter Schweizer

[SpongeBob]

25 JUN-
David Letterman: From “Top Ten Things Overheard on Hillary Clinton’s First Day Back at Work”: “Nice of you to show up”; “Did you win?”; “We chipped in for a welcome back pantsuit”; “Should I take the Madame President nameplate off your door?”; “Hillary’s choking another superdelegate”; “Senator Clinton, please stop throwing wads of paper at Senator Obama’s head”; “I can’t believe your shrill message of fear didn’t resonate”; “Please stop taunting her, Senator Kerry.”

Jay Leno: President Bush blasted Congress for not allowing oil exploration in the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve. Democrats said it wouldn’t do any good, because it wouldn’t produce oil for 10 years. You know, the same thing they said 10 years ago. ... Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? Think about this. You’ve been neglecting your job, trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job. So, you take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of, and go on vacation. Huh? Imagine if you tried that with your boss. “Hey, boss, listen. Boss, I’ll tell you, I’ve been looking for another job. I am exhausted! I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my check.” Let me know how that works out for you. ... Former Vice President Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama. Have you seen Al Gore lately? I think his last endorsement was Stove Top stuffing, if I’m not mistaken. ... Barack Obama announced this week he’ll visit Iraq and Afghanistan before the election in November. He said he wants to see an area that’s been overrun by violent extremists. So, sounds like he already misses his old church.

[SpongeBob]

09 JUL-
David Letterman: “Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways to Save Gas”: Put it on the endangered species list (Kokomo, IN); Push your car to work (Houston, TX); Drive only at night (Bethany, OK); Drive in reverse until tank is refilled (Blaine, WA); Stop showing up for work every day (Rock Falls, IL); Only drive downhill (Mounds View, MN); Take the wife’s car (Hoffman, Estates, IL); Fill the car with helium gas to make it lighter on the road (Camp Hill, PA); Try to be in Oprah’s audience every day—she’s gotta be giving gas away soon (Ridgefield, CT); Take your wife and mistress out to dinner at the same time (Nashville, TN).

Jay Leno: Big scare [Monday] for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left the plane was apparently drifting to the right. Nobody could really quite figure out what was happening. ... Obama’s wife Michelle was pretty distraught when she first heard the news that his plane had problems, although not nearly as distraught as Hillary Clinton when she heard everything was okay. ... Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together and to show their unity, that’s why they went to Unity, New Hampshire. Bill Clinton could not be there—he was in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. ... Only in America could a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called Sincerity.

[SpongeBob]

17 JUL -

NO DL :

Jay Leno: The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off. ... I’m sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I’ll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And Jesse has been... explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that? ... Hillary Clinton commented on the remarks, by saying, “I don’t know what the big deal is, I say that to Bill at least once a week.” ... Jesse “The Nutcracker” Jackson said he made the comments when he thought the mic was off. Well that makes it so much better, doesn’t it? Here’s my question, why would Jesse Jackson ever go anywhere unless the mic was on? Right? He’s Jesse Jackson!

[SpongeBob]

23 JUL -
NO DL:
Jay Leno: Barack Obama is very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of The New Yorker. This is Barack’s third day in the Middle East. And President Bush said that he has no timetable for bringing him back home. ... You know, sometimes when President Bush speaks, he does not use the best choice of words. You know? Like, today, he said the financial institutions are basically sound, and you can take that to the bank. ... John McCain called a press conference today. Unfortunately, all the press was out of the country covering Obama. ... Barack Obama is in Afghanistan. Bill Clinton went with him. At least that’s what he told Hillary. ... The feds say federal institutions are in trouble for giving money to those already in debt. That’s the problem. They gave money to those already in debt. So, why are we paying taxes? Who’s more in debt than the government? What, are they $9 trillion in debt? We’re giving them more money? We’re enablers. We need to stop this.

30 JUL-
David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Signs Barack Obama is Overconfident”: Proposed bill to change Oklahoma to “Oklobama”; Offered Bush 20 bucks for the “Mission Accomplished” banner; Asked guy at Staples, “Which chair will work best in an oval-shaped office?”; The affair with Barbara Walters; Having head measured for Mount Rushmore; He’s voting for Nader; Offered McCain a job in gift shop at Obama Presidential Library; Been cruising for chicks with John Edwards.
Jay Leno: Barack Obama is back from his big European tour. Did you see him in Europe? People were cheering him, holding up signs, blowing him kisses. And that was just the American media covering the story. ... Barack Obama was on “Meet the Press” Sunday. John McCain was on a new show called, “I Wish I Could Meet the Press.” ... Polls show Obama more popular than McCain in Germany, France, and Great Britain. However, McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul and the Holy Roman Empire. So, it’s pretty balanced. ... In world news, I guess you’ve heard Barack Obama [was] elected Chancellor of Germany. ... You can tell the French are still a little gun shy. After speaking in front of 200,000 Germans, when Obama arrived in France, they said, “You came alone, right?” ... You know, they said on the news earlier [this week] that this political campaign has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging out? ... I don’t know what’s less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days. ... The National Enquirer caught former presidential candidate John Edwards sneaking out of his girlfriend’s hotel room at the 2:40 in the morning. See, Edwards got caught ‘cause the reporters were there waiting for him...[I]f Edwards didn’t want to get caught, he should have met this woman at the hotel where John McCain was staying. There are no reporters. ... If this story turns out to be true, there go his chances at becoming vice president. He could still be governor of New York. ... And in Puerto Rico, it [was] Constitution Day [Friday]. So, that’s where the Constitution went. I knew we weren’t using it anymore.

06 AUG-
NO DL:
Jay Leno: Well, [last week] Congress officially apologized for slavery. Not a moment too soon, huh? You hate to see these things fester until there’s a lot of animosity. Thank God they nipped it in the bud like that. ... Congress is going on a much-deserved break. They got so much done this year. They don’t even call it a vacation; they call it a recess. Let’s see who gets recess: kindergarten, Congress and juries. The three you can’t trust to make an adult decision. ... Barack Obama may still pick a woman for VP, but not Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Well today, a top Hillary Clinton supporter named Lanny Davis said it was “inconceivable” that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary, to which Bill said, “It’s not that inconceivable.” ... Yeah that’s the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that’s what killed John Edwards’ chances of being VP—he decided to go with another woman. ... Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day on “Meet the Press” that what he’s looking for in a VP is a person who will tell him when they thought he was wrong, to which President Bush said, “Trust me, that gets old really fast.” ... Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks.

13 AUG-
NO DL:
Jay Leno: While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards [finally] admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It’s all true! ... I guess Edwards apparently met this woman at a New York City bar in 2006, and he is a pretty smooth operator. You hear his opening line to the woman? “So, uh, which America are you from?” ... Well, Democrats are furious, they’re going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down. ... In an interview recorded by the BBC in Africa, Bill Clinton told people in Africa to practice monogamy and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. In fact, the minute he said that, the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, “Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?”

20 AUG-
NO DL OR JAY:
Here's some funny quotes....
“The Democratic Party platform is like a bag of pork rinds. You never know what high-fat liberal government morsel you’re gonna get.” —Michelle Malkin

“Police in Denver are getting ready for the Democratic Convention. They’re ordering the stun guns, the barbed wire, the plastic handcuffs... and that’s just for Bill Clinton’s room.” —Craig Ferguson

“Nancy Pelosi threatened to strip Joe Lieberman of his Homeland Security chairmanship if he doesn’t stop criticizing Barack Obama. She’s in the House and he’s in the Senate. The only power Nancy Pelosi has to strip Joe Lieberman is if she decides to moonlight as an airport screener and he comes through her checkpoint.” —Argus Hamilton

“I could care less about the color of Barack Obama’s skin, but the thinness of it is starting to wear on me.” —Dennis Miller

“Mr. Obama has a deep, rich voice. Coming from his mouth, nonsense sounds good. But it’s still nonsense.” —Jack Kelly

“Poor Caroline Kennedy... as you know, she’s vetting Obama’s veep choices. How difficult must it be for her to find somebody less qualified than Obama? Every resume she looks at makes his look like a first grade report card.” —Rush Limbaugh

[SpongeBob]

Stupid GMAIL keeps throwing these in my SPAM folder.....
03 SEP-
No DL:
Jay Leno: Did you see that Mount Olympus-style backdrop they had for Barack’s speech [at the Democrat convention], with the big columns on it? Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when they introduced him as ‘Barack, son of Zeus,’ that seemed over the top. ... Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win the election. And then Hillary said, “That’s nice. But you know Bill. Keeping promises is not his strong suit.” ... I thought Hillary Clinton gave a great speech [at the Democrat convention]. That tangerine-colored pantsuit she was wearing—maybe I’m wrong, but didn’t Elton John wear that at the Grammys last year? ... Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is John McCain’s choice. Here’s what we know about her: her name is Sarah Palin. ... Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn’t want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney. ... Palin and McCain are a good pair. She’s pro-life and he’s clinging to life.

10 SEP-
David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Contest” entries for the “Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Republican V.P. Nominee Sarah Palin”: Won the governorship from a scratch off lottery ticket (South Bend, IN); Every year wrestles a polar bear at the Alaska State Fair (Sandy, UT); Commutes to her office with a hybrid-powered dog sled (Palm Beach Gardens); Hottest vice presidential candidate since Joe Lieberman (Cedar Falls, IA); She invented the Internet (Bassett, VA); Three words: raised by Huskies (Chappaqua, NY); Frequently gets 3 a.m. phone calls from Bill Clinton (Johnston, RI)

Jay Leno: Joe Lieberman, who ran as a Democrat in 2000 as Al Gore’s vice presidential nominee, spoke at the Republican Convention last [week]. A Democrat at the Republican Convention—that’s like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally. ... John McCain gave a great speech. And you’ve got to admit, he looked so life-like, didn’t he? ... I haven’t seen him this fired up since they came out with Super PoliGrip. ... It looks like John McCain’s speech beat Barack Obama’s in the ratings. That’s like “American Idol” being beaten by reruns of “Matlock.” ... Actually, some Republicans are not that thrilled with the speech. In fact, the rumor is Sarah Palin is thinking of dropping him from the ticket. ... You’ve got to admit Sarah Palin really has energized the Republican base. See, Sarah Palin can do what John McCain can’t do—send an e-mail. ... Sarah Palin’s glasses have become a hot item. Those Joe Biden hair plugs? Not so much. They can’t give those away.

[SpongeBob]

17 SEP-
NO DL:
Jay Leno: Here’s the latest word from Wall Street: “Ahhhh!” ... Well, if you saw the big interview with Gibson, Sarah Palin quoted Abraham Lincoln, when Lincoln said, “Let us not pray that God is on our side in any war, or at any other time, but let us pray that we are on God’s side.” And here’s the amazing part: You know who Abraham Lincoln said that to? John McCain. ... As you know, McCain... is a true American war hero. And today, a new video was released of John McCain being tortured by his captors. I want to warn you, this is very disturbing [on screen: McCain on “The View”]. ... Despite all the animosity in this campaign, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They’ve been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair and Joe Biden didn’t. ... The other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that’s one thing to get the base fired up—tell them they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That’ll get them fired up! ... August was a big fundraising month for the candidates: Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August—$66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice.

[SpongeBob]

SEP 24-
No DL:
Jay Leno: Hillary Clinton canceled an appearance at [a] rally [this] week in New York after learning that Sarah Palin would be there. And ironically, Bill Clinton had previously canceled after finding out Hillary would be there. ... The stock market was up 400 points [the other day], or as the Democrats call it, terrible news. ... Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11. ... To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. ... I went to my ATM machine today; it gave me an IOU. ... President Bush had a press conference outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside, but the bank has foreclosed on it. ... Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain’s economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama’s plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. ... Barack Obama said again that he wants to raise taxes on the rich—that’s provided by November anyone is still rich. ... That seems to be the theme: Joe Biden said that paying higher taxes is patriotic. The Republican strategy on Joe Biden? Let him keep talking.

[SpongeBob]

01 Oct-
David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Signs Your Bank Is In Trouble”: Ask to withdraw $100 and they Xerox five 20s; Once a week, bank president is led away in handcuffs; Was a savings and loan, now a savings and loan and chicken shack; “Vault” is the trunk of a late model Chevy Malibu; They tell bank robbers, “Sorry, the CEO beat you to it”; They tried to borrow money from you; Instead of a mint, teller offers you an anti-depressant.

Jay Leno: Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it. ... As you know the bailout was voted down. People are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have. ... You know, these things are so complicated. I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts, and they couldn’t agree on which part to implement first: the smoke or the mirrors. ... Now that Congress is not in session, the economy made a big comeback. That’s the key—send these idiots home. ... Did you all watch the presidential debate Friday night? You know, a lot of analysts were calling it a tie; they say neither man stumbled. That’s how low the bar is now. Apparently not stumbling is considered a huge accomplishment in politics. ... I love the way the moderator, Jim Lehrer, tried to get both candidates to talk to each other. What are we in couples-counseling now? Tell him how that made you feel.

08 Oct-
No DL:
Jay Leno: The [second presidential] debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect—the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song: “I lost my girl; I lost my house...” ... The debate was held in “town-hall” style, which means instead of ignoring the moderator’s questions, the candidates could ignore the voters directly. ... [Congress] passed their $800 billion bailout bill [Friday]. Although some senators who voted for it are now very upset. They thought they were giving themselves a pay raise. ... Congress keeps saying that not only are taxpayers going to get back the $800 billion, oh, they’re going to make money on the deal too. Yeah, yeah. See, now you know where the ‘con’ in congressman comes from. ... The Labor Department has announced that 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. Here’s the ironic part—all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs. ... The stock market’s so bad now that at closing time, instead of a bell, they play taps.

[SpongeBob]

15OCT-
NoDL:
Jay Leno: The last debate will be [Wednesday] night. It’s being sponsored by Anheuser-Bush. I guess the last two debates were so boring, people need to get good and liquored up. ... But the big story continues to be the economy. How many people remember when we had an economy? They said on the news today that the stock market is on a wild roller-coaster ride. Really? Does it feel like a roller coaster? Doesn’t it feel more like that stupid free-fall ride where you drop 500 feet and you vomit all over the place? ... Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called this the worst financial crisis since the Carter administration. ... The average price of a gallon of gas has had its biggest drop ever this week also. It’s now down to $3.30 a gallon. Remember $3.30 a gallon? That’s the price you used to get outraged about a year ago. ... General Motors fell to its lowest level since 1950, not a good sign. In fact, in terms of carmakers, General Motors is now third behind Tonka and Hot Wheels.

[SpongeBob]

22 Oct -
Jay Leno: If you watched the debate [Wednesday] night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the plumber story? Last month, he was an investment banker. ... Are you buying this whole Joe the plumber thing? McCain said he’s worried about Joe the plumber’s income. His income? Anybody here ever gotten a bill from a plumber and go, “Well, this is way too low. Put a few more zeros. Put something down there for yourself.” ... A married congressman from Florida, Tim Mahoney, is under investigation for paying $125,000 to his mistress to keep her quiet. Well, that worked out well. Well, listen, yesterday it was reported he was having a second affair at the same time. What kind of sleazeball cheats on his mistress? ... And in a statement with his wife standing next to him—only in politics do the wives stand next to you when you do this kind of stuff—Mahoney said this is a private matter. The most important thing to him now is his wife. Well, that’s got to make her feel special. Of all the women he’s sleeping with, she’s number one. ... This week, President Bush announced a $250 billion—everything’s billions now, millions don’t even count, have you noticed that? Millions is like chump change—plan for the government, to directly buy shares of the nation’s leading banks, to make sure they’re run properly. Because one thing we know is the people who gave us a $9-trillion debt, they know how to handle money.

[SpongeBob]

29 Oct-
Jay Leno: Just one week left to go until the election. To give you an idea of how long this whole thing has been going on, when John McCain started, he was just 47 years old. ... Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama. This is bad news for John McCain, because at his age, he has enough colon problems. ... Pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary. And the only one of those three who will actually vote for him. ... After his big speech in North Carolina [Monday], Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn’t stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another. ... And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because there are no witnesses.